I Will Always Treasure Last December

My heart is tender.  It's time to write.  I've thought, I've cried.  I've wondered if my blog is the place to record this.  I know the only likely way it will be recorded is for me to write it here.  I could write and not 'post' but why?  I feel no need to hide my heart.  None of us are strangers to aches and pains.  This is my life, from my perspective and it is here that I share that.

As December hit this year I felt a twinge of longing... for my family.  I went back to Utah for a quick trip last year.  I had such a great time and it was fun to see my family, even momentarily, during the holiday season.  I have reflected, I have cried. 

I spent most of my time last year down with my sister.  Only a few moments, the night before I flew out, did I see my sweet dad.  They were a few short minutes, relatively.  Oh, but if I only knew that would be the last time I would see him... I would have spent all my time with only him.  But, I treasure the moments I had with him... still.

We sat and chatted.  We cried a bit.  He grabbed the back of my neck, like he does, and pulled my head to his... his eyes peeking out over the top of his glasses... 'Carolyn, uh, strong.'  I needed to hear that then, it seems I always need to hear that, because I forget.

We laughed.  I miss his goofy laugh.  We hugged.  We visited.  We reflected.  Just us, no one else.  It was so good to just be with him.  I know I went to bed so glad we spent that time together.  It was just what I needed.  I needed to feel his strength, his love, his belief.  I came home feeling lifted.

I will always treasure last December.

I need to write about last summer.  I want to record it.  It was quite a significant time in my life.  My dad died in June.  Don't you hate that word 'died'?  It sounds so cold, so... final.  I don't believe in the finality of the soul.  I don't believe he is dead.  I believe he has moved on to another realm of our eternal existence.  I believe he had a work to do here on earth and that work came to a close.  I believe his body was finished, his purposes were done and he was ready for more growth and progress. 

So, this may be too long of a read for you, but if you want, skip to the end and listen to my words for him...

Before I go on, let me give you a little snippet about my dad.  He was an amazing man.  I know, we all think our dad's are!  He was organized, self disciplined, faithful, dedicated, smart, driven.  He was a great leader, especially of our home.  When he was 42 he had a wife, 7 kids and a massive stroke. 

The stroke left him paralyzed, unable to move, speak and function.  As he slowly found his will and determination, through this struggle, an equally amazing man evolved.  He learned to walk again.  He learned to read, to speak, although in short simple terms.  As he became more confidant with who he had become he found temple service.  He had been afraid for so many years to go to the temple.  With limited speech it's understandable.  But then he went.  For the last 15 years or so dad spent each day, all day, doing temple work.  He found purpose and serenity in the House of God.  When I think about it, I feel I would do the same.  Where else can you feel of eternity, a place where you are whole, restored?

Last March dad turned 70.  After his birthday party he told my mom he was ready to die!  He was finished!  I wonder now if he was just 'holding out' until he hit that number!   Aging is hard, aging in a handicapped body?  Sucks!  I can't say I blame him!  He didn't come out this past year for G's baptism.  He was nervous about the stairs, wood floors etc.  Just before mom came out he lost the mobility of his legs.  In fact he went to a recovery center while mom was here.  His best childhood friend stayed with him the whole time as he recovered.  Prior to mom going back to UT I cried in her lap like a little girl.  I felt like 'it' was coming and if I were here and something happened to my dad, it would be awful.  She reassured me he was fine.

As time went on we realized he was getting his way, his health was declining, he went back home and was cared for there.  Mom would update me.  He wasn't dying!  He's too healthy!  She kept telling him he had to wait for me to see him again.  I'd be out in July.

I saw a FB post from my sister in June that I thought was random.  It was on a Friday or something (June 8).  She said he wasn't doing well.  I called to see what was happening.  Mom reassured me he was fine.  I called my other sister and we talked.  I wondered if I should come out.  She told me that the family was planning on meeting Father's Day (June 17) so dad could tell everyone how he wanted his funeral etc.  I kept feeling the prompting to go out.  I didn't want to have any regrets.  If he was fine, then great I'd see him in July too!

I realize he was done!  I had no sadness about him being ready to 'move on' from this life.  I can't imagine what it would be like to live as he did, a brilliant man in a caged body.  I get it.  I just wanted some time with him before he did move on!  Within hours I felt like my time was quickly slipping. 

I talked with Matt, we looked at tickets, just $500 one way!  I prayed, I thought, I wondered, I listened.  On my way home from dance on Monday (June 11) evening I called the house, to talk to dad.  There were kids, there was noise, my family was there.  It sounded joyful.  I just wanted to hear his voice, which I didn't hear much of... he cried to me the whole time!  I told him how much I love him.  That I am so proud to be his daughter and that I couldn't wait to see him.  I wanted to come out to be there for Father's day.

Mom told me that day, Monday, he had a GREAT day!  He was back to himself.  He was crackin' jokes, laughing.  Bonnie Shaw came to visit and he faked her out by pretending he couldn't remember her!  Gray's Anatomy has taught me that was 'the surge'!!!  The one last push before your body calls it quits.

Tuesday mom called and said she and dad were talking.  He said I shouldn't come out, he'd be fine until July.  He'd wait. 

Later that same day mom called back and said he'd had a seizure or stroke and he was no longer coherent.  At first they weren't sure if he'd come out of it or not.

I looked at tickets.  I'd already bought our whole family tickets.  I checked into pricing... for the same $1000 I'd pay to get me out there I could upgrade our tickets and get me and my kids out there... do we all go?

The unsurety was nagging at me.  I was an anxious mess.

Mom called later and said that according to the nurses we no longer had weeks, we were down to days and hours.  That was Tuesday evening.  I bought our tickets.  We'd all go.  All 5 of us would leave Thursday evening.  That was the flight that could get us all on.

Wednesday I was all over the place.  I had shoots to cancel, prints to put on hold.  I called the school, I called the studio, I'd miss rehearsals and the recital.  Lesson to cover.  I had to pack all of us and get us all ready... and did I mention now that I'm getting us all ready for like a 2 month trip?  That is a lot of stuff to pack!

The kids were sad to be missing their field day.  I took treats into their 'last day of school' party.

As I talked to mom, I didn't feel that hopeful that he was going to last clear until I got there the following day.  But I hoped.  I prayed he would hold on, he would wait for me.  I so wanted to be there to send him off.  I know he wasn't himself, but I just wanted to be there.

I went to bed.  I got a call at 3am.  It was mom.  She said he was close to going.  What a painful thing.  She put the phone up to his ear and I told him that I love him... always.  That he has blessed my life, that I just wanted to hug him, I'm so proud to be his daughter... and if he needed to go, that it would be ok, I understand.  BUT... please wait if you can!

My brothers and mom said after he heard from me that his face changed.  He was at peace.  His breathe was at ease.  Slow, shallow, but at ease. 

I went up to my room and cried and cried.  Matt held me while I cried and cried.  I tell you one of the most awful feeling I have ever felt is being in a place far away from where I wanted to really be.  I wanted to be with my family.  I SO wanted to be with my dad, and my mom and my siblings.  It was really awful to not be able to BE there.  If this is similar to an eternal realm... I will do all I can to be with those that I love most.  I can imagine hell being a place where you can't be with the ones you love most.  It felt like hell!

As the sun rose a few hours later my eyes were raw.  I prayed and prayed that he'd hold on, that I could make it there in time.  That I could just see him one more time.  That I could just touch his hand, just be with him.

I took the kids to the bus stop.  I came home and knelt to pray.  I poured out my heart.  I asked for comfort.  I prayed that I could be calm and find peace.  I knew the Lord's will would be done.  I knew I'd be fine if I didn't make it in time.  I knew that my dad was ready to go!  I knew he was ready.  I sat and pondered, it was quiet.  As I got up the phone rang.  Mom said he was gone...

As sad as I felt... all of the anxiety was gone.  I truly did feel peace.  I cried.  I felt sad that I wasn't there.  I felt sad that I didn't have time with him.  I felt sad that the last time I'd been with him was six months ago... I would treasure last December.

I am so thankful for my friends here, my good friends.  As they each heard they cried with me, they held me.  Molly came over to help me pack.  I felt so overwhelmed.  She really was a rockstar... brought me diet coke, packed the backpacks, relieved stress... 'you can get that in UT don't worry about it now'...  Matt ended up taking the day off and he helped with the boys while I got us ready.

Melissa came, we hugged and cried together.  Betsy came.  I saw Amy.  Endless friends on FB showed their love and comfort.  It really is amazing the actual power that comes from thoughts and prayers.  I literally felt lifted.

It was an interesting plane ride.  I felt relief just getting on the plane.  Getting my kids transferred from plane to plane was interesting... a sweet couple helped us out... they didn't even know how heavy my heart was.  I'm thankful for them.

The last leg of the flight was good, everyone had fallen asleep.  Getting off the plane... hell!  Waking up two little boys who both wanted to be held, but didn't want to touch each other... crazy!  We were the last ones off the plane!  I know the workers wanted us off, I was just trying to get off the plane with my crazy crying kids... who wouldn't walk!  Finally one of the stewardess carried E off crying and screaming!  He was ok when I got him in the stroller.  Q pushed while I carried O, and the pillowpets, and the backpacks.  It was painful!  Our saving grace was waiting at the gate... 'Just a little bit farther, aunt Cand is just around the corner...'  Yea we arrived!  Where is Cand?  She was at the wrong gate!  Oh my!  It was quite anticlimactic and very funny!  Seeing her was a breath of fresh air though!

I can't tell you the relief... sigh with me!  I wasn't sure when it would all hit me.  I felt so glad to have arrived.  When I got to mom's Ryan was still there.  We arrived, the kids were swept up in hugs and gladness.  It was good to hug my mom.  Again, so happy to see everyone.  It was when Cand and Mom started talking about the funeral that it hit me... I wasn't there yet.  I went up to his room.  I hadn't seen all of the stuff they had, the hospital bed, the chair lift, the 'old person' stuff!  It was a little shocking for me... and when I'd gotten there most of it was down already!

Mom held me and we cried.  I was thankful to be in her arms.

You know, I was so young when my dad had his stroke and for many years he was only focused on himself... understandably.  As I continued to grow up we didn't have a 'normal' relationship.  Much of our connecting on day to day things is talking and that was a challenge for him.  Then I moved away.  I know that he loved me, as a mother, I know that you love your kids.  I guess a part of me wondered if I mattered.  Each of my siblings had been spending time with him.  I live on the other side of the country!  It gave my heart GREAT comfort to know that he wasn't completely at peace with 'leaving' until we all connected with him.  Ryan stuck around to tell me that he was sitting right there, he saw the peace come over dad's face after I'd spoken with him that morning.  It was Dad's sigh, his relief that he got to hear my voice before he left.  A daughter needs that.  I needed that.  I'm glad Ryan stuck around to tell me that.

The next few days were a whirlwind, preparing for the funeral, seeing family.  It was heavenly!  I thought early into the mornings about my dad, what words I wanted to share.

Mom had asked if we wanted to help dress dads body, into his temple clothes.  Before I got to UT I'd said no.  I sort of thought it was ew, to be honest!  Saturday dad's old friend Jim Marshall came to visit and it was as we talked with him I changed my mind.  Our bodies are sacred.  It is our tabernacle that houses our spirit while we live here on earth.  This body isn't 'ew'!  This body is what housed my dad's spirit.  It taught him many things.  Plus I'm sure at that time he wasn't far from it yet.  What an honor and privilege to dress my dad in his temple clothes.  He spent much of his life in them.  I believe that he will be clothed in them as he is resurrected, and I felt it a privilege to prepare him for that.

I was nervous to go, not gonna lie!  I hadn't seen him yet.  Brand, Ry, Kendal, Mom and I went.  I'm so thankful for the strength and love I felt from my brothers.  For Kendal, who held me when I cried.  That he knew I needed time alone with dad.  I felt each of them lifting me.

It was somewhat comical dressing dad's body, really!  We are Coopers and somewhat irreverent at times, and I think we startled the worker guy a little as we pulled and tugged to get him dressed!!! 

Then I got to be alone with him.  I will only share that it was a tender, spiritual, special moment for me, and I am so glad I went.  Part of me was waiting for him to open his eyes and tell me it was all a joke!  He didn't!  I needed that time, I needed that comfort.

The viewings were amazing.  My face hurt from all of the smiling.  It was amazing to see the reach and range of the lives my dad touched.  This is what heaven is!  There were faces I've not seen for so many years.  It was wonderful seeing so many.  A reunion.

The funeral was beautiful.  I could not have done it without my Lynette.  She is one of my life's angels.  I know we were friends in heaven.  She is one of my dearest friends and my love for her grows even though we spend so much of our time apart.  She helped with my kids, sat in as my partner through the funeral.  I love her dearly!  She was amazing!

For the funeral we all chose Brent-isms, one liners that dad would say.  We spoke on what they meant to us.  We sang our favorite family song... Fairest Little Jesus Child.  Cand, Julie and I sang a song Cand wrote entitled 'Dad', Damon played his violin, Brandon played one of dad's favorite songs.  It was a spiritual meeting.  The thread throughout, that each of us children have a living, breathing knowledge and faith in our Savior Jesus Christ, and a belief in our Heavenly Father's great plan of happiness.

Here is my portion... my words from his funeral... HERE.  (you don't have to download it, you can just click listen)

It was a beautiful service.  I am so glad my SIL grabbed my camera, which I had with me the whole time, but of course didn't use.  I only wish she'd have grabbed it sooner. 

I love my family.  Really.  I adore these people that share my dna, that share my story, that know me and love me.  Thank you for carrying me, crying with me, holding and loving me, making me laugh, helping me find joy.  With all that I am I love you.

And, I love you dad...

That's my cute uncle Ray!  Just because!